"Sending your child to a boarding school is not a smooth journey, but a progressive one."
- Dr. Collins, Brehm Executive Director
Dear Parents,
Boarding schools offer a unique experience for students and families. Specialized boarding schools go further than traditional boarding schools in that there is much more at stake for the families as a whole.
Brehm students have complex learning issues that they have to contend with. Their learning issues affect all aspects of their lives. Students with learning issues are impacted academically, socially, and emotionally. Schools need to be systemic in providing the necessary interventions students need in an integrated and sophisticated fashion. The integrated approach is the reason parents choose to join our family at Brehm. Why would a parent choose Brehm as a boarding school? Burn out!
Families are affected by the impact of having a child with the complex learning issues our students have. Our kids provide a source of severe stress on the family dynamics, as they demand a disproportionate amount of resources compared to other family members. This is felt and resented by other siblings and parents alike. It may be an open recognition or are unspoken secrets within the home or extended family.
There is no parenting manual that we get when we have kids which says this is my child and this is what we can do. It is the opposite experience for our parents and extended families because we go through a self-discovery process where we feel isolated, misunderstood, confused, angry, depressed, and you know the list of ‘dis’ words. Your dreams are shattered as to why you bring a child into this world and what you want to see your child accomplish. Your whole world turns upside down. So what kind of impact does this have on the family? Financial hardships, marital stress, sibling conflict, distrust of all professionals, no time for self, and parents can add many more to the list. There are rewards... our kids are bright, creative, resilient and loving in their own way. Parents always look to the future and their current state of functioning in the family and see their limitations in providing for their child’s future. The combination of all the negatives and positives and reality of available resources leads to burn out or the recognition that my child needs more than we can provide. The option then becomes ‘Boarding School’. So what can you expect?
Students can expect a different transition, which eventually becomes a normal high school experience, but away from home. Homesickness, depression, success, friendships, a positive peer group, confidence in self and independence are all part of the journey. My boarding school experience included confusion, self-awareness, recognition of strength, and self-fulfillment but only after many hard knocks of homesickness and a recognition I had to change my behaviors (survival behaviors) in order for me to be successful. Survival behaviors we all adopt to protect ourselves but they are not always functional once we leave home or our neighborhoods. For many kids with LD issues, the behaviors are designed to avoid letting people see our weaknesses. These behaviors can be avoidance via withdrawal, which morphs into depression, video game addiction, oppositional behavior and you can fill in the rest depending on your situation. Changes in behavior take time.
Changes with our students take time. New patterns of behavior need to be developed academically, socially, and emotionally. Students participate with their families in the process until student self-actualizing and internalization of skills develops across all areas. This is a multi year process because new patterns need to be reinforced and old patterns eradicated. It takes time and an extended process to gain the trust of students and families. This is a little picture without detail as to the student journey. What about the families?
Families have their own parallel journey. The whole family has a common experience and individual experience. Parents feel the strain on many levels. The impact of a child with LD/ADD causes stress on the relationship between moms and dads. Moms often end up baring the majority of the responsibility to provide, find, drive, console, deal with professionals that include teachers, physicians of all specialties, psychologists, behaviorists, principals, counselors, special education directors, nurses, coaches (social & athletic), homework, peer groups, etc… I’m exhausted!!! How about you?
There is no wonder that stress is projected into the family and relationships. The stress of providing for the needs of our students and feeling of fighting a loosing battle with concerns for the future is the reason parents see enrollment in a boarding school. What happens when your child is enrolled?
The process of application is full of mixed emotions from feeling you’ve failed, high anxiety, relief, self-doubt, turmoil, and acceptance that this is the best decision for your child and family. All these emotions (you can add to the list) fluctuate until move-in day. The reality of your decision hits home.
Move-in is hectic, stressful, financially draining and an emotional rollercoaster. Despite all this upheaval there are some very powerful experiences. The first impact is “YOU have a peer group” just like the kids. Parents meet parents with no pretenses as to what your life in your family has been like. There is an automatic bond because you all have gone through similar experiences. It is powerful and a relief. You will have people you can call and network with. Our Ambassador Parent Program is the beginning of some long-term relationship for all of you. The rest of move-in weekend will be snapshots of your experience and as you leave you will be anxious. You will be second-guessing and you will be reliving all your family experiences. Once you are home you will be struck by the sense of relief, time to yourself, less stress, which will turn to depression or guilt because you are feeling those things. Another phenomenon occurs for the other kids at home and that is ‘you have more time with them’. This can be a mixed bag because all of a sudden the energy and time devoted to one is now directed to the siblings. This can be construed as an invasion to their world and privacy. It can also be a source of great relief for them as they feel the relief and lack of stress and the jealousy issues of you giving all your time to one begin to emerge if it already hasn’t. This is all normal and healthy. Then comes the phone calls…
You can expect that your child will get homesick.
You can expect that you will get calls to come home because we don’t understand them or their roommate is mean or the teachers don’t know what they are doing. The list goes on. This can occur within a week or with some students in a month. Hang in there as this is normal and for the vast majority of students, it passes and eventually you will be calling us because your child is not calling. You need to call us directly if you are concerned about these calls so we can support you. Your child is here but you are part of these on-going developments and we all are growing during this journey. We need to mutually support each other in this process because you know your child better than we do and this is a partnership. We have the resources to respond holistically to meet your child’s needs and we need to learn from each other.
I hope this has been a brief premier to all of you. It is an introduction to your first chapter at Brehm and we will hopefully partner together so that each child will control the last chapter leading to empowerment, which is our goal. This is not a smooth journey but it will be a progressive one. I look forward to seeing all of you.
Sincerely,
Dr. Richard Collins
Brehm Executive Director/Headmaster
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